If you’re a follower of my blog, you’ve probably noticed I’m a big fan of validation. I talked about it a lot in my post on Inside Out and in my Making Sense of Suicide series. Even when I’m not labeling the role of validation explicitly, it’s present in my tone, like in my discussion of Secondary Stress and Compassion Fatigue.

This week I launched my first on-demand CE lecture titled “Working with Borderline Personality Disorders: Tips and Tricks for Authentic and Sustainable Care”. In this lecture, I talk about skills of validation and boundary setting. I also talk about the importance of self- and community-care through reflection and processing. You can find the full course on thinkific.

As such, I thought I’d use this week’s blog to finally directly talk about validation and share a sneak peak of the lecture. Since there is so much to cover, I’ll be breaking it down into two posts. Today will cover what validation is and why we validate. Next week will cover the nuts and bolts of how to validate.

What is Validation?

Validation is the acknowledgement of another’s experience, as it is. It is communicating “I see you. Your experience is real and it matters.”

Validation versus Reassurance

Reassurance is striving to make someone feel better about their experience through problem-solving or instilling hope. Validation does neither, at least not directly. Remember Inside Out? Joy was a big fan of reassurance – trying to keep the other emotions optimistic that change was coming. Sadness, on the other hand, modeled validation. She simply sat with Bing Bong and labeled what he was experiencing; that he lost something important to him and that’s sad.

Doesn’t Mean Agreement

Furthermore, validation does not mean agreement or approval of someone’s behaviors, emotional responses, or experience in general.  You can absolutely understand and validate that your client’s suffering and pain were so severe that in the moment they truly could not see any alternative to coping other than self harm. And you can do this without agreeing that self-harm was truly the only option or approve of self-harm as a coping strategy. 

I say approve lightly, knowing that it is not our job to approve of our client’s decision.  That’s not what therapy is about. Rather, it is referencing the idea that we are not going to say “yes I’m totally on board with you self-harming!”. We’re also not going to be punitive or punishing. Rather, we’re going to say, “it makes sense AND given your goals and our mutual prioritization of safety,  how can we learn from this recent experience to help you have other options for coping in the future?”.

Only Validate the Valid

The key with validation is to only validate the valid. This can get murky. So stick with the facts. Stick with what you know and with what’s in front of you. If your client is crying because their partner is a “terrible human,” we can’t validate that their partner is in fact a “terrible human” (even if maybe we do agree). We weren’t there. We don’t know exactly what went down. We only know our client’s version of events. And, it’s not our place to make such judgements.

We can validate that our client is in pain. That they are hurting as influenced by their partner’s behavior. We can validate that this particular situation would be difficult given their history with past partners, etc.

So Why Validate?

Validating first and foremost communicates that you are actively listening. It shows that you are engaged and present.  Validation is also an act of mirroring. You are reflecting back what the client is saying in a way that makes them feel attended to, valued, and heard.  When we add in our conceptualizations – “it makes sense you are feeling this way because of X” – it adds depth to that process. We are communicating that we are doing even more than just listening, we are seeing them holistically and putting in the effort to really understand them. 

This generally allows our clients to feel at ease. It can also provide a sense of relief.  The relief of being heard.  The relief of not getting the expected response of shame and blame; of instead receiving understanding and caring.  The relief of learning they make sense and are not just “crazy.”

Dialectical Discomfort

Dialectically, such relief can also come with discomfort.  This may be the first time in their lives that someone is paying attention to them in this way, not through the lens of finding fault or reinforcing something negative.  Such attention, and validation in general, can be uncomfortable.  Which is just another layer to make sense of and validate. This discomfort will fade as the safety of the therapeutic relationship grows. And as the client becomes more connected with their own understandings of themselves, their own self-compassion, and their own ability to self-validate.

Corrective Emotional Experience

Above and beyond demonstrating caring, validation often provides a corrective emotional experience. Corrective emotional experiences are the crux of therapeutic healing. They are the intangibles of therapy; the undoing and relearning of experiencing safety in emotions, in relation to others, and with one self. The discomfort I just referenced is the perfect example. Working through the discomfort of being seen with kindness and understanding is a corrective emotional experience.

De-escalation

Validation also supports de-escalation. If you are gearing up to ask a difficult clinical question, need to set a limit, or enact a natural consequence, validation increases the likelihood of your client remaining open and grounded. When we start off by saying “I know this is going to sound hard,” or “I know we just got into some big important stuff” or “as we’ve talked about, I have to charge you for the missed appointment,” our client is much more likely to hear us. This is particularly true if there is a chance our actions may be perceived as invalidation, rejection, or as an act of abandonment. 

More to Come

Hopefully I’ve sold you on why validation is important and how it is an invaluable clinical tool. Next week I’ll go into the specific ways we can practice validation.

What to learn more? Check out my lecture and earn CEs along the way!

For Clinicians: How do you already use validation in your practice? Where/when/how might you be able to use validation more often and more effectively?

For Those Seeking Care: What does validation mean to you?