In American culture, we’ve been indoctrinated to believe that happiness is attainable. And if we aren’t happy, it’s because we are doing something wrong. Something wrong that we can fix, if only we work hard enough, are dedicated, and willing to make sacrifices.

We just need to figure out the formula of diet, exercise, work, romantic partnership, parenthood, friendship, vacation, relaxation, mindfulness, and “self-care.” And let’s say we miraculously master most of these and still aren’t happy. Well then we just need to push harder, do more, and eventually we will get there.

See the problem?

First off, this belief structure puts everything on your shoulders. And it is a deprivation and blame mentality. If you’re not happy, it’s because you don’t have something or aren’t doing something. And if you don’t have it, it’s your fault. This makes happiness an uphill and lonely battle.

Second, it implies that happiness is a fixed construct. That once you have your formula figured out, then you just have to keep it going and you will be consistently, in perpetuity, happy. It doesn’t account for actually living, wherein things happen, good, bad, and everything in between, that would challenge anyone’s ability to maintain the formula that keeps you happy.

The third, and most important problem, is the goal itself. What does it actually mean to be happy in a permanent, consistent way? If we look back at what we learned from Inside Out and Inside Out 2, we see that Joy’s mentality of happiness isn’t sustainable, realistic, or fair. Even Joy starts to crack from all the pressure. And let’s be real, her approach (particularly in the first film) is kind of annoying. It comes off as superficial and out of sync with everyone around her.

Using Pop Culture

I love it when I can find a quote, song, book, TV show or movie that so perfectly embodies what I am trying to communicate. From my bio, you may recall that I am an avid theater fan and love to incorporate pop culture into therapy whenever I can. In future blogs, I’ll talk about some of my therapeutic favs, like The Good Place, Soul, Ted Lasso, Hamilton, and more.

For now, let me tell you about a fairly new musical out of the West End called “Two Strangers (Carry A Cake Across New York).” It is absolutely delightful and I hope it makes its way to the states. There is a song in the show called “Be Happy.” It was the inspiration for this blog. It captures everything I’ve discussed about the pull to, and pitfalls of, chasing happiness. Take a listen.

Here’s a sample of the lyrics

Doesn’t that just say it all?

Happiness and Therapy

When a client comes to therapy setting a goal “to be happy,” I tend to put a kibosh on it pretty fast. This can throw people off so I’m quick to explain the rationale I shared above. Instead of happiness, I suggest setting goals around our abilities to experience joy, meaning, and connection and the ability to cope with what life will inevitably throw our way.

Joy versus Happiness

Is there a difference? It might be a bit of splitting hairs. And I am all about being precise with our words. For me, joy is temporary. I think of it as attached to the moment, the expectation of movements to come, or even, if we’re lucky, a series of moments that may last for a longer period of time. Conversely, we think of happiness as more of a desired permeant state.

With this framework, we can seek joy. Joy (and I see the irony and possible confusion of using the word “joy” after all my Inside Out discussions on the character Joy) can look differently for each of us. It might be quiet; a sense of calm contented ease where you aren’t striving for anything and you are able to just be. For me, joy is more active. It gives me a boost that I want to lean into.

Where do we find joy? At the risk of getting cheesy, we can find joy anywhere and everywhere. We just don’t want to put too much pressure on it. Remember, we’re not looking for a fix. We’re taking a beat, we’re breathing, we’re leaning in.

Take some time and see what joy means for you. Where do you feel it in your body? Is it more quiet or more active? When, where, how do you experience it the most?

For Clinicians: How do you address clients who want to make happiness their goal? I hope this blog gives you some new ideas for tackling this difficult conversation. Do you ever use pop culture in your care? What are your favs? Where do you find joy? Leave a comment!

For Those Seeking Care: I hope this blog gives you a new perspective for why happiness can be tricky as a therapy goal. Doesn’t mean I don’t want you to experience happiness! I just want to set you up for true therapeutic success. Also, thoughts on the song I shared? And how do you find joy? Share your thoughts below.